Without getting into any details I will admit that the last two years have been the most arduous years I have ever experienced. Most, but not all of the struggles I have encountered have been my own fault. In the process of “not” dealing with some of my issues, I have not been the mother that my kids are used to me being. Although my children have by no means neglected, I have not been as hands on as I had in previous years and they felt this.
Jake breaking his leg has slowed me down quite a bit. There was no internet connection at the hospital, so I couldn’t really work on homework. I could read my textbook’s that is about all. Technically I wasn’t supposed to use my cell phone in the hospital; however, that was a rule that was meant to be broken. Ssshhhh…..don’t tell anyone! Although I did get busted a couple of times. Ha…let’s just say I bribed the nurse with Doritos…LOL!! While at the hospital with Jake there was no housework, laundry, or cooking to do. No place to go as I was not going to leave Jake there all by himself. I actually had quite a bit of quality time with both of my kids.
The hospital in Garmisch allows parents to sleep in the room with their children. What I did was move my bed as close to Jake’s bed as possible, allowing us to sleep next to each other. What was great was the fact Jake can’t move so he was not able to kick me or punch me in his sleep. That was a great benefit of his broken leg….hahaha!! We had a lot of fun, when we were not yelling at each other. The yelling only happened when he was being helped to the bathroom on his crutches. I have to say he was and still is quite bossy in his condition. “Don’t move my leg that way!” “Put my leg down slow!” “Mom, the nurses don’t do it that way!” “Mom, the nurses let me pee in a bottle why do I have to get out of bed?” My answer to the last question is, “BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING TO PEE IN A BOTTLE AT HOME!”
Jake and I read books together, colored, and watched a few kid’s movies a friend allowed us to borrow. I have wiped his butt, washed his face, and combed his hair. Things I have not done for him in a long time. I have a feeling these are things that I will be helping with for awhile. Except, the wiping of his butt…LOL! I am working on getting him as self-sufficient as possible in that area. And as of this date I am glad to say Jake can take care of himself in that area once again.
Kortney and I had dinner alone one night and had planned on going to the Jacuzzi, but we were too tired when we went back to the room and decided to crash instead; just mother and daughter time. Kortney was a great help through all of this. She even stayed with her brother at the hospital one afternoon so Nick and I could run some errands and figure out if we were going to have to switch hotels….which luckily we didn’t. Kortney is a great girl and I can’t imagine life without her.
I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt that Kortney passed away. And I remember the feeling in my dream of the life being sucked out of me when I realized what happened to her; the feeling that I would not be able to go on without her. It was the most horrible feeling I have ever felt. It was one of those dreams you wake up exhausted because even though you are sleeping your emotions are running rampant. In real life you are feeling everything you are experiencing in your dream. I woke up this morning realizing that my kids miss their mom, and I miss being the mom that I used to be. I’m thankful for my loving and forgiving children. I cannot imagine my life without their hugs, smiles, and laughter. I cannot imagine Jake not putting critters in my bed and laughing as he hears me squealing from the other room; or finding food, money, and gum in the jeans of his pockets. Nor can I imagine a house of silence because Kortney was not playing her piano or asking a hundred question about some off the wall topic. I’m thankful for my children, Kortney and Jakob….I love you with all of my heart!!!
